Tired...

I need a sign... I need a flash light to get out of this dark whole I am in. I have been so depressed and down and lost for a while now. I have no one to talk to because I am tired of feeling like this so I have been just dealing with it. I have nothing to look forward to, I get up, go to work, go to the gym ( sometimes) eat dinner, watch TV and go to bed and start the day over. We are working for nothing it seems. Just to pay bills and to pay people back and that is it. Nothing for us, just for everyone else. I know I know that is life but it would be nice to look forward to something. Hell we wont be able to do Christmas this year. I am so heartbroken about that too. I just want to know what are we doing wrong? I am praying wrong and asking for the wrong thing. I feel my faith slipping and I am trying to hold on to it. I have been praying on my knees and crying out to the Lord but I sometimes I feel like I am just talking to no one. I hate feeling like this because I know that I am wrong for feeling like this but I am tired. I am tired of feeling empty, I am tired of seeing things happening for other people and I feel like we are standing out in the street in the rain. When is it our turn? We have been going like this for years and I am not sure anymore what God is trying to show us, guess I am not looking or listening hard enough. It hard to get happy about one thing because in the back of my head I know that something will happen to ruin whatever I am happy about. Things have never came easy for me and you know it would be nice just for once it would be nice for things to happen for us with out a struggle.
I need a change, I need a new out look on life I just don't know how. I feel so alone and helpless... I miss my friends and how things were once upon a time but I guess that is life also things change and there is nothing you can do about. I miss my hubby with me working we barely get to see each other now it more a passing by. I miss my son by the time dinner and bath is done it is bed time. I miss me, I know that these feeling will pass and I will look back and see how stupid I am being but I feel like I am losing my self and I just don't know what to do about it anymore...

I guess I just need to stop whining and count my blessing and stop worrying about things that really don't matter...

Heartbroken...

Well I am just heartbroken and I cant seem to get over it and move on. I wrote earlier I about not being pregnant, well I went to the Dr. to double check and I was praying that the test was wrong but it wasn't. I just sat there holding back my tears as the Dr. is telling me that it is all the change that I am going threw. New med and eating better and working out, so it is throwing my body out of whack or whatever. So here I am sitting at my moms house holding back more tears because the Dr. was right about starting this weekend, I have cramps from hell and I already start spotting. I was stupid to be holding out like this. She said to just write down when I start and end and count days and blah blah blah and that in a few months we will see what we can do about getting me regular or something like that, I tuned her out after a bit. January will be a year since we started trying.
Thomas is being super sweet trying to say that it may not be my fault that it could be him but I know it is me, I am the fat girl, I am the one who isn't regular, I am the one with cyst. I look at people who don't even want children and they are having them left and right and it just makes me so mad!!!
I know I am being a baby and that I shouldn't be upset because I have a amazing son, it just really sucks to realize that my dream of having a full house of children may not come true and that is just really hard to swallow.

Emotions....

Well the past week has been a roller coaster for me to say the least! I have dealt with every emotion this week and I am exhausted.
Lets see where to begin. Oh our bank is a pain in the ass and charging us fees that we shouldn't be charged and they wont do anything about it, so we need to find a new bank so my week started out with a bang! Angry and Annoyed not the two best emotions together! Then my boss got on to me for talking to much blah blah blah, I am 26 years old and I do my job good and so what if I am talking!! My class room is clean and my kids are not killing each other so I think I doing pretty damn good! So I was embarrassed because I felt like a 5 years being scowled by my mother for talking in church. Oh and this is the same day all the bank crap happened!So in one day it was anger, annoyed and embarrassed in less then 2 hours. So after my boss got on to me I went up stairs to eat my lunch ( which by the way was horrible) I prayed for the day to get better and it did after I saw Molly and Kristy. We vented to each other and decided to go to the gym right after work and just try and have a good rest of the day.
Well that could have happened except for the fact that when I was feeding my kiddos snack I noticed a guy walked in, and of course that is nothing new, I work at a daycare so I just figured it was one of the dads. It was a dad but not the dad I wanted to see. It was my ex boyfriend!!!! I thought I was going to cry,throw up and die right there in the middle of snack time! I was in shock, he was staring at me and I couldn't breath, I just stood there staring back. This guy broke my heart 10 years ago and there he was just standing there starting at me. Finely he left and I caught my breath and realized that I was still at work, so I went to the bathroom and calmed down and went on with my day. Went to the gym with the girls and had a good time!
While this whole day is going on I am also dealing with the emotions of happiness because I thought I was pregnant but sadly when I got home I took the test and it was negative. I really thought I was because I had a few signs but I guess that is just my mind and body playing tricks on me. I usually don't cry when it comes out negative ( which is all the time) but this time I did because I really thought I was. Thomas was so sweet to me he just held me and let me cry. I was so heartbroken, I want anther baby so bad and it just not happening for us and I don't understand why...
Well the rest of the week went OK until Thursday I get a text from my sister in law wanting to meet for dinner, and for those who don't know I am not speaking to her because I don't like who she has become. anyways I forward the text to bestie and she tells me that I should go but I had already told sister in law that I cant that I am going to the gym. I mean I could have but I really didn't want to see her, and of course my phone dies so I don't know what either of them are saying until i get home from the gym that night at 7:30 pm. So I call my bestie and she tells me that I should go to see the kids and that maybe this is a start of forgiveness, so I listen to her and tell her that we can meet on Friday for dinner. Well lets just say it was great seeing the kids! I just cant stand how she has changed and what she is doing to her children or how she is treating my best friend!! GRRR I don't want to get into it right now because I am still annoyed with the whole thing!
I will say that today is a better day! Went to lunch with my hubby and then went and bought my son some winter clothes and then spent the rest of the day with my bestie and the family, tomorrow we are going to church and I am super excited because I need a good sermon right now!!!

SO SO...

So still no computer, so I'm using my hubby's phone. Things have been so so, I don't have any time to do anything else , I never see Thomas, I work on his days off. I never see my bestie either. I am thankful for my job but now I have no life. I have been trying to stay up beat, I have been reading my bible every night and that really has been helping. But when I'm alone I just feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts. I don't have enough money or time and I guess it getting to me. Feel like I'm missing out from my loved ones lives since I barley get to talk or see them. I hate it!! I guess that's life...

Fast update...

So my computer is still down, so here is fast update

1. Vegas with my girls was beyond fun!!! Cant wait to go again!!!

2. I found a job!!! I work at Children's New world it is a daycare and the plus side Elijah is free!!!!

3. Thomas had to have surgery and he has been down but he has to go back to work on Monday, praying he finds something new soon!

4. Had a great birthday My bestie got me Tyler Perry Tickets and I am so freaking happy! and also a new kitchen table (:

5. Going to the Dr. on the 30Th and see what we can do about me having another baby. also I am considering having the lab-band done so going to talk to her about that as well.

So that is pretty much what has been going the fast version!!!

No connection...

Hey I just wanted to drop a quick note, I am wont be on for a while my computer is down and so who knows when I can get back on, I am the besties right now. So I hope everyone has a great rest of the week and I pray I get my computer fixed soon!!!!

LATE... (again)

Well I have not started yet, I am 2 weeks late I was suppose to start between the 12Th-14Th and I haven't yet. I want to go buy a test but I was 8 weeks late one time and I drove Thomas crazy with my test taking. I really hate this I just wish I was a normal girl and started at the same time of the month every month, so I don't have to sit here wondering.
I want to take a test to ease my mind but on the other hand I really don't want to see "Not Pregnant" on that stupid pink stick. What going to happen is I am going to start as soon as I get on the plan for Vegas! That would suck so bad!!!!
Think I will wait one more week and then maybe take one. Who knows maybe this pink little stick will say " Pregnant " I doubt but who knows....

Job Search...

Well Thomas OT job ended yesterday, so I have to find a job soon. I have roughly a month because then the traffic grant ends at the police department. I really hate job interviews I always seem to say to much or not the right thing. So I have been looking on line and I hope I can find something soon, and hopefully it pays more then my last job did LOL!! When I get back from Vegas I am going to go to the college and see what I need to do to get started. I am feeling a little better about my decision on going back to school. I am hoping I can figure out what will work for me. I am just praying and going to put it in Gods hands and let him lead me the way I need to go.

I wish...

Right now I am just lost beyond words. I am angry with my self and disappointed in my self. As a teen I was always in trouble for whatever reason and I wish I could go back and change a few things or more then a few things and I wish I could change things from last year. Here is my wish list... Things I wish have done...

1. Tried harder in school, a lot of my teachers didn't believe in me so i believed them and just slide by in school.

2. Listen to my parents and did what I was told instead of fighting them all my life, I would have been able to enjoy being a teenager instead of always being grounded.

3. Spoke up in class, I knew a lot what the teacher was talking about but I was too scared that I was going to sound stupid so I would always let another student answer.

4. Put my self out there. Til this day I am scared to take that jump and trust that God will lead me the right way.

5. wish I had found my love of history before now.

6. Wish I had stuck with diets and exercise when I was younger maybe if I had then the scale wouldn't cry every time i get on, Oh wait it not the scale it me!!

7. Wish I had a wedding. Now I know a wedding doesn't make the marriage and I don't regret getting married at the court house but I want to see his face when I walk towards him looking my best.

8. Read my bible more, something i can fix now.

9. wish I had decided to go to school before now. It going to be hard now with a child and a job.

10. wish I could stop making excuses for why I cant do things that will better my self for me and my family.

2 weeks and 5 days!

I am soooo excited for August to get here!!! I am going Vegas for the first time with my two besties and I just can not wait!!! We always try and plan trips together but it never fails that something always fall threw, hubby cant get off work, kids get sick, broke, broke is usually the main one. But in 2 weeks and 5 days we will be on a plan to Sin City! My husband keeps teasing me that we are not going to go to Vegas and do the things we should do instead we are going to hit the pool ( WITH OUT KIDS), Go to some muesumes and shopping. Just have some much need girl time!

Change...

Oh I hate change so much! I like good change like new hair, clothes, and weight loss yep pretty much those 3 things because I can control the outcome for the most part. I wrote earlier that I am going to go back to school to become a nurse, well I really started thinking about it and I really don't know if that is the job for me. With Thomas being a police officer and working odd hours, I don't want to be doing the same thing. We have a son and I don't want him to have two parents that work crazy hours. So I decided on being a dental assistant and then work my way up to being a dental hygienist. I am scared to DEATH!!!! I was not a good student in High School and the truth is I really don't have much faith in my self. I put on a big mask everyday to make people think I have it together but I really don't. The past 3 days I have had nothing but panic attacks, heart burn and I have been tearing up at the thought of going to school. It scares me that much. It was easier for me to become a mother then it is for me to go back to school. So much is happening right now and I just don't know if I can handle all of it, I have to get a job like tomorrow and my husband is really looking for another one and me going back to school and I keep trying to close a door on a certain part of my life but there is a door stop in the way that is glued to the floor. I know God is in control and that when he closes one door he always unlocks another one or two...

Now I just need to figure out which door is the right one to open...

so...

I think I have decided to go back to school! and I am kind of freaking out because well I have NEVER been good with school but I am ready to do something with my life, not that staying home with my son isn't important but I am thinking about our future. What if something happens to Thomas? I will need to do something to provide for my son and well I want me and Thomas and our children to have a good life, so I think I am going to go to school to become a Nurse. It is going to take a while but I think in the end it will be more then worth it. I just hope I don't talk my self out of doing this...

Selfish...

My baby boy is now 3 years old!! We had a birthday party for him last night and I would put up pictures but the bestie took the pictures with her camera so I will have to post some later. I think he had a great party, and it was my first BBQ to throw and lets just say my feet are going to hurt for a while! It is so hard throwing a party together but in the end it was all worth it.
I have been feeling down about him turning 3 because well I thought I was going to have another baby by now and I would have but God had other plans for me. Part of me is wandering, I am being selfish in wanting another baby so badly. I mean, I know women who are having a hard time just trying to conceive there first child. I mean it wasn't easy with Elijah it took 2 years. I just feel like, I can't feel bad for not being pregnant yet or I cant get upset because it is most likely going to take awhile, because I already have a child. I am being selfish? I am not at the point where I am taking pills, shots or any other medicines to help me get pregnant so do I even have the right to feel like I am part of the "it hard for me to get pregnant group"?
I have also lost a child, I have felt that emptiness and the pain when you see an ultrasound screen and there is no baby. It is earth shattering because you just go home, because there is nothing you can do, you just go home and deal with the emotional pain and the physical pain. I may have never seen or held him/her but I still lost a child and it something you just don't forget about or push to the side. I get this feeling that people don't see that as a lost and that I shouldn't be hurting from it still.
So where do I fit in at? I am selfish? Do I need to just suck it up and not feel bad that I am not pregnant yet and that I should just be happy with my son.
I don't want other women who are trying to get pregnant look at me and think what is she complaining about she already has a child.
Just trying to figure out where I fit in at...

Playing in the rain...

We have been getting a lot of rain this summer which is strange for us in Oklahoma, but we cant complain to much because I have a feeling when August hits we will be praying for rain. So I got some pictures of my son playing in the rain for the first time he loved it! At first he wasn't to sure about it but then he realized that it was fun!




He felt that he need a umbrella, so he broke out his Thomas the train one.





After that he was brave enough to go with out Thomas.



He loved just running back and forth.



And playing in the puddles.



Here is my handsome boy!!



He was soaked when he was all done playing! But he had fun and that is all that matters!!

Fireworks....

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th Of July...

Forth of July is my hubby favorite holiday. He is nothing but a big kid when it comes to this day, he plans out what he going to get and what he is going to pop off first. Well this year we had to scale back but I think he still enjoyed it. He really did alot with the kids this year and lets just say that they had a blast!

The FireWorks..




He helped them shot of Roman Candles...

I cant get the pictures of the boys up but I was ablet to get the a couple of Elijah and Amber doing them. They did have a great time shooting off the fire works.


Amber couldnt wait to do hers!



Last but not least my little man! The whole time the others were doing theres he was jumping around saying " I try I try" so daddy helped him shoot his off!




Then they got busy setting off the rest of them. He and " B" did a great job. This is the first year that B helped him and I think Thomas got a totally kick out of it.


Uncle Thomas and his big helper...



Just some more pictures and fireworks...






It was a great night!!

Last Night...

So last night we went and saw Eclipse and it was AMAZING!!!!! OH I cant wait to go see it again, they did an awesome job!! Now I just have to wait till next year for Breaking dawn! Last night was fun and of course we cant go anywhere with out drama but it wouldn't be a night out with the family without a fight some where! Thank you Amanda and Molly for coming with me, loved spending time with both of you!
I also got to spend sometime with my grandma and I am kind of sad but she is moving back to Montana in a few weeks and I feel bad because I have not spent much time with her and now she is about to go away and I am trying to figure out how we can go out just us with everything going on. But I will figure it out.
Today is going to be a lazy day we are all tired in my house today, Thomas is helping my dad do some moving for my grandma and then he is coming home and I have no idea what is on the list to do today except for a nap!
Well going to go pick up the house while Thomas is gone...

Have a great day everyone!!!

New Day...

Good Morning everyone!
Today is a brand new day and a new start. Time to go forward and stop looking back wandering what I could have done to change the out come. I am ready to show the people that care about me how much I love them and how much there love means to me.
I have so many things I am looking forward to this summer. Lets see next week is Eclipse ( yea baby) and then My sons 3rd birthday ( so sad) and then in August we are heading to Vegas!!! See so much fun stuff coming up and now I can really enjoy it!
I am going over to my besties house and we are going to have a small girls night, just veg out and watch When in Rome. Then Sunday we are heading to see Traci for her little girls birthday party.
I also think I may have found a walking partner. An old friend from HS so I am looking forward to that. We go to Vegas in like 6 weeks and so I want to get use to walking. I don't want to kill over from walking!

Well I hope everyone has a great weekend!!!!

A waste of breath....

So for about a year now I have been dealing with DRAMA!! Well I finely emailed the person who I have been having issues with and I laid it out there on the table because she asked what she did for me to be angry with her about, so I answered her. Well I have a feeling it was not what she wanted to hear ( or read), because well she has not email me back and I deleted her and her husband from my facebook ( childish I know) but it made me feel better, anyways I found out that he blocked me and his BROTHER and my bestie!! I am so tired of wasting my emotions on people who don't seem to care about me anymore! I put the ball in her yard and I guess she went over and popped it.
So where do I go from here? Do we go on with our lives and see what the future holds or do I send another email asking why she ignored my other?
The truth is I don't have the energy anymore to keep doing this, like I said in the beginning this has been going on for a year and I am so tired. I have true friends and family that I need to give my energy and time to, instead of dwelling on something I cant change.
So I guess it choice number one, just go on with my life and start a new chapter in my life with out them in it anymore...

pity party...

I am depressed, not beating around the bush about it. I am ready for another baby and I know it will happen in Gods timing and respect that, I am just not very good at waiting. I keep hearing a ticking sound and I feel like I am running out of time. I have been thinking about the baby I lost a lot lately. Just little things like, was it a little boy or girl and would have brown hair like me or be toe head like Elijah, what name would we have decided on. I know that it was not the right time for another baby then, we could barley keep food in the house for us let alone a baby. I see pregnant women every where. I know people thinking I am looking for them but I not, no joke I saw like 7 yesterday at walmart! and lets not get into facebook! I am happy for all my friends who are pregnant. Having a child is a wonderful and amazing blessing to have in your life.
I do know it will happen when it is going to happen and I need to stop stressing and getting sad. I pray that God gives me the will power to handle whatever he throws my way.

My dad...

Happy Father's Day to all the great father's out there!!

When I was younger I never really figured my self as a " daddy girl " because well me and my dad never got along, I always thought he was mean or to hard on me, but now that I am older, I look back on all the things that man has done for me so I and my heart fills up with love for him.
He married my mother when I was like 4 or 5 and he has always treated me like I was his own daughter. It funny because when people figure out that he is my step-dad they are shocked. He use to play checkers with me and cards and I bet if I asked him today he would even play scrabble with me! He could always make me laugh so hard, he is a pretty funny guy!
To this day I know he would always try and help me out when I was in trouble. I am so blessed with an amazing dad!

Thank you dad for everything you do for me and my family, I love you so much!!!

Heaven... A child's view of it...

I love my niece Amberlynn, she is full of life and questions and I love how she looks at the world.
We were driving around today and she was just talking and talking like she usually does and half of the time we have no idea what she is talking about, so we just listen and say yeah and ah uh in the right places. So anyways today Amber says " I bet daddy is having fun in heaven" and Amanda replies " yeah I bet he is", so Amber just starts telling us how fun heaven is going to be because her bubba said that there are lollipops in heaven and there are swimming pools and they will get to go swimming everyday, well not everyday just during the summer.
I just wanted to cry because here is this 6 year old that has more faith in our God and in heaven then some adults. I love how children look at things, how the simplest things make them happy! Amanda took them outside a few nights ago in their PJ's and let them catch fireflies! How wonderful is that and she said that they were so happy!
So if heaven is anything like Amber says,well then I cant wait to get there and eat Lollipops and swim and maybe even catch some fireflies...

Housework...

OK I don't know what my deal is but I have been slacking in my house work! So Today after Thomas goes to work at Three, I am going to get my butt in gear and get this house back in working order! I don't know why I have been so lazy about it! I have been doing really good about keeping up with it. I am going to blame it on the summer! Yep that is it, It is the summer and I would rather be outside or out with friends then inside cleaning!



But I feel less stressed when the house is clean so I will stop whining and get it done, it wont take that long anyways...

I hope everyone is have a great day!

My weeekend....

So this weekend was a really good on,which I really needed since last week sucked since I only got one day to spend with my love. So starting on Friday my mother and sister and I went to do some summer shopping for them. Let me just say my sister is so hard to shop with, she is very much at that age where she is trying to figure out who she is wanting to be, so that is why my mom brings me because I am the only one who can get her to try things on and wont kill her ( unlike my mom LOL). What is funny I was nothing like her, I was easy to shop with well to a point, my problem was more the fact that I couldn't find things that fit right, I am very short and I am heavy so you know it is so easy to find clothes!! Anyways she got some really cute things including a Jumper!! I know are we back in the eighties??? Crazy thing is she look super cute in it!!


Then I found some awesome jeans at a store that I didnt think I would be able to fit in, even there their plus size, but OMG they fit AWESOME!! I am going to go get some before my trip to Vegas in august, and they have some other cute stuff I want to try on to see how they fit.
Then we went to dinner over at Olive Garden and called it a night, mom was tired and her back was killing and my sister was on her last nerve!!!
Then on Saturday we had a very lazy day. Which was pure bliss! Later that night we went to TGIF with the bestie for dinner and then we hit the mall for a bit.



The bestie wasn't feel to good and my son was being a major brat!!! You say terrible 2 pshh whatever it terrible 3's!!!! So we decided that is was time to go home.
We got home and put him to bed and the hubby went up to the store so we could have some drinks and watch From Paris with Love, which by the way it was a great movie!!



Yesterday was also another good day. We were having the bestie and the kiddos over so we mowed and cleaned up the back yard. We decided that we should get a pool for them well at first we were thinking a slip and slide but our backyard has to many twigs so we didn't think that would be the best idea!!
So we went to the store and got food and the pool and then we got some lawn chairs which just made me as happy as could be! Been wanting them for a while now! We only got two but we are going to go back and get a couple more and they have a small table to go with them. So last night after everyone left we sat outside in our new chairs and just chit chat while Elijah played in his sand box. Then we realized that he was getting all bit up, so we came in and threw his little butt in the shower. Then 9:00 p.m came around and it was bed time for him.
We rented Shutter Island and wow that was a great movie not what I thought at all but it was really really good, so if you get a chance you should rent it!




And well that was my great weekend! Right now I am sitting in my living room listening to the thunder rumble and the rain pouring down! Hubby is still sleeping and my son is freaking out LOL!! Going to be another great day!! Now going to make us some pancakes! Have a great day everyone!!!

Lucky and Coolwater...

what does summer mean to you? To me it means fireflies,fireworks,snow cones, and summer love...

My hubby and I started dating when I was 17 and let me tell you I fell hard for him. He just had this thing about him that I still cant figure out what it is.
Today I was driving around town with the windows down letting the summer air blow threw my hair and it just took me back, I swear I could smell Lucky cologne and Coolwater perfume mixed in with the warm wind. Oh I just love those two smells together because it is us, we both have been wearing them for years and whenever I put it on I am 17 all over again. He has worn other colognes and I perfumes but nothing goes better together like those two smells.
When I smell them, It takes me back to our first kiss in his car, our first date at chilies, and many other firsts that summer. He still makes me feel like I did when I was that young girl standing in the mix of perfume and cologne outside my friends house hoping for a kiss. I still get weak in the knees when he kisses me or get butterflies in my stomach when he reaches for my hand. He is my summer love till this day and I am so blessed to have him as my husband.
Who would have thought that Lucky and Coolwater would have work so well together...

A good Night...

Tonight I went over to moms for a movie and I love how me and my mom are now, it took 4 years of us not talking but we have learned how to handle each other because she and I are so much a like. I use to hate when people would say that I looked like her but now I take it as a compliment. My mother is controlling out spoken stubborn and of course she is ALWAYS RIGHTbut she stands up for what she believes and I am glad she is my mother. Took me 25 years to come to this but hey better late then never!!
Anyways we watched Dear John and it was pretty good, not as good as the book but that's how it always is anyways!


It was great just spending sometime with her and my sister who by the way is just right down crazy. She is going to be 13 in July and she is just turning into a beautiful young lady who loves to talk back and roll her eyes LOL!! But she is getting really good on the flute she can even play Lady Gaga telephone on it.
I think we are going to really try and to to the pool tomorrow evening with Amanda and the kiddos and I am going to bring her with us, trying to spend more time with her.
Well I really need to go to bed since it is almost 2:00 am.
So goodnight world!

My God...

As I am getting older I am learning that not everyone believes in God as I do and I guess it was me being blinded or naive but it just something that I thought everyone was saved. But now I am so sad to see how many people don't have Jesus as their savior, people I look up to or care about.
I wouldn't know what to do with out God in my life. He has held me up when all I want to do is just lay down and quit. I have had the Holy spirit enter me and it has always been there since the day I asked Jesus into my heart. When I was 16 I was going down a downward spiral of darkness and I was so unhappy and doing stupid things and hurting my self and my family. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel it was just getting darker and darker, then one day I decided that I was done and I went to church and my soul cried out to God and it was filled with such love and peace and I love having that in my life.
Now life is not as easy as it was at 16 and there have been times I have felt that falling sensation that I got before but I feel his hand grab mine before I can fall back in to the tunnel.
God is amazing in all he does and what he will do. I love sitting outside and just closing my eyes and let my self be surround by all of his wonderful gifts. When I breath in the fresh air my soul is awaken and I know that, that is Gods wonderful works, not some big bang, and when I look at my son I just fill up with such joy because God gave him to me! He trusted me enough to raise his child in the way he would want him to be raise believe in his love and his grace.
If your are not living for Jesus and for our future we have in Heaven then what are you living for? Your self? How sad that must be for you, because you will be alone in a dark tunnel with no light at the end only through Jesus will you find the light...

Thank you...

I have been trying to blog for about, oh all day now, and I just can't get out what I am trying to say! I am so worried that what I really want to say is going to hurt feeling and then part of me says I really don't give a damn because you don't seem to care! I'm sick and tired of feeling like I am always wrong when I know that I am right. You are so stuck on your self now you don't even know that you are about to lose some friends. It's not like it would matter to you. I mean you have a whole new life and your living your cookie cutter life and we just mess it up by bringing dirt in to your precious house! You are not perfect and you need to come off your high horse. You need to figure out who you are and stop forming to everyone else. You have shut us out of your life and I feel like you think you are better then I am. Well you're not. I know who I am, and I am proud of it. I am strong in my faith and my relationship with God. I can see certain things and not worry that it will damage my faith. I am done with trying to figure you out and trying to withhold myself so I don't hurt your feelings but no more! But I do want to thank you for one thing... Jealousy is a horrible thing to have and I was jealous of you. I am not now. You also showed me what really matters and I see that I am more blessed then I ever knew. I am loved by an amazing man and I love him back and I have a very happy child. My house my not always be clean or we may fight but I know at night when I am laying in my husband's arms everything is right in the world. Thank you for teaching me that. I pray that you figure that out sooner rather then later...

Not Much...

Today was another good day. We decided to go out and about today to get Thomas somethings he needed like a new handcuff key and some new boots for work, well we got the key but we couldn't find any boot in his size, so i guess we will have to go to Edmond to get him some new boots.
Then we went to the Zoo and checked out the new petting zoo for the kids, it was really nice but for some reason Elijah could care less about the animals he just wanted to read the maps. We didn't stay very long, it was busy with a bunch of schools and Elijah was cranky! He stayed up really late and got up early so he was not in the best mood. Not the best idea but we wanted to do that before Thomas went back to work.
We came home and we took a short nap and then went to the store to get some dinner stuff ( sandwiches). Had a mini melt down, not sure what got into me but I feel pretty stupid right now!
Well that was pretty much my day, How was yours?

I hope you had a great day!!

Choices...

I am trying to figure out if I want to cancel my WW and try and lose weight on my own, with out having to count points learning what I need to eat then, what I want to eat. Me and Food have been going around around for years and I'm so ready to just give up, Then part of me knows I can do this. I know what is good and what is bad for me. I need to learn how to eat foods the right way if that makes any sense? I also want to enjoy my summer with out feeling guilty or ashamed that I had a snow cone with my niece or ate a grilled cheeseburger with my hubby. I have been doing WW long enough to know how to eat food right. I was talking to a friend last night and she has lost weight and she told me that the slower she loses weight the slower it comes back. I believe that!! I can lose 10 pounds and then gain it back with in 2 weeks.
So this is what I have came up with I am done talking about losing weight.I'm just going to do it and change the way I think about food. This was my last " diet" I am going to just watch what I eat and make good choices and enjoy life with out feeling guilty that I didn't count whatever I put in my mouth.
For the first time I am going to do this for me! I have always done it for other reasons, and the reason were never good enough but I am good enough! I am ready to love my body and my self!
It is time for me to make good choices for me and I have a feeling everything else will fall into place...

I wouldnt know what to do...

So today I added a new friend to face book that I had been trying to find for a while now. So she accepted me and so I went and look at her pictures because her profile picture was a wedding picture, I wanted see more. She really doesn't have very many up just 9 and all profile pictures, there a few more wedding pictures and then there is 3 pictures of a little baby boy and it turns out that she had a baby. There was a note on one of them from her and it had said that her baby was in heaven now and how she loved and missed him, from my understanding he had cancer. I just broke down in tears because he is just so little. So I go on to her page to write on her wall and I am scrolling down and on March 23, 2010 she posted that it was her sons 3rd birthday. My heart just broke, I am sitting here tears just flowing away because I wouldn't even know what to do if I lost Elijah, he turns three in July.
He was so young and little and on top of it sick. How do you go on? 2 years with my son is would not be enough for me heck 18 years wouldn't be enough! Not to be able to hear his laugh or have has little hand in mine or to give fishy kisses to him, I just don't know how I would even be able to get out of bed! That crazy little boy that drives me insane some days is my whole world! It begins and ends with him. Sometime I am scared that I love him to much if that make any sense.
I really don't know why I am writing this blog, it just broke my heart and I needed to write about it I guess.

Going to go kiss my sleeping son now...

Trains...

Today was a really good day! We went to the train museum and Elijah had a blast! He got to ride his first train! Amanda and the kids came with us and that made it so much more fun!

GOING ON ONE OF THE TRAINS




The train ride was fun, we went only 10 mph but hey it a little train! At first we sat outside which today was a pretty day a bit cloudy but there was a nice breeze. Elijah was super good and he just sat there and look around.


OUR TICKETS





THE TRAIN WE RODE ON





THE FAMILY ON THE TRAIN RIDE




Then we moved inside and we sat up in the higher sits and let me tell you I didn't think I could get up there let alone get down! But thanks to my wonderful husband he was able to help me down. It was really neat being able to see from the top of the train. Poor Nicky though he thought if we went to fast he would fall out of the window, and every time the train would jerk I would grab on to Brendan because you know this 9 year old is going to save his aunt Heather from falling! He said he would though!! The train ride was about 40 minutes long. I would like to take Elijah on a real train ride you know that goes faster then 10 mph!!! But all in all it was a great day!

My Hero ~ Brendan and I





Nick





Amanda and Amber




Thomas and Elijah




After the train ride we went over to Olive Garden for a early dinner since all of us were starving!!! I am so happy we were able to take him to see all of the trains!!!

Here are some more pictures of a few trains...







Thomas and Elijah



Thomas and I





I hope you everyone had a wonderful Saturday!!!

Potty Training...

Well I decided that it was time to start potty training Elijah, he is going to be 3 in July and we are wanting another baby and the hubby says that we wont have to in diapers, so almost two weeks we have been rushing Elijah to the bathroom so he wont lose his star on his pull up! See he goes just fine in the potty but it the whole telling us that he has to go. I put him in his big boy underwear last night and well we went threw those pretty fast! I will ask him do you have to go potty and I get a cute smile and a "no" then two seconds later he pees on the floor! Oh the joys of motherhood! So I am hoping he will catch on and start going by his self! we will see!!!


His BIG BOY UNDERWEAR!!!

Mother's Day...

I want to start off my saying Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!

This blog is for two women in my life that has shown me the ways of motherhood, They have helped me so much these past 2 years (almost 3)...

My Mother ~

She is a strong minded women who speaks her mind and tries to control me still even though I am 25 years old but I know she does it out of love and is just trying to keep me on the right path! I use to hate that about her until I became a mother my self and I came to realize she does know what she is talking about. She has taught me to speak my mind and to be a strong women. To stand up for what I truly believe in and to stand my ground. She also taught how to pick my battles and when to let thing go. I am still learning how to do all of these things but with her by my side it is getting easier. I am blessed to have a mother like her!

My Best Friend~

She is is a kind hearted women who is soft spoken and forgiving. She rarly gets angry and when she does you would never know! She is funny and so easy to talk to. She doesnt judge. She has taught me how to chose my words when angry and to re look at things. She has taught me that family comes in all different ways. She has taught me that I am beautiful women and that I deseve the best! She has held my hand through some hard times in my life. I am blessed to have her as a my best friend!

Thank you both of you for all you do for me! I love you both so much!!

Perfect Saturday...

Today was a great day, it started out with me and the bestie and kiddos hitting a garage sale at our friends church, we got there at 10:00 a.m. and all the good stuff was taken but we were able to find some stuff for Amber ABC parade for school this week, she is going to be an Apple Picker. Then we went to the store to get some last minute things for the cook out we were having over at Amanda's house. She got her dad a new grill for his birthday and he was all about trying it out.
My hubby did a great job putting it together!! Then we got home and got busy with cleaning and getting thing in order for every one to come over, it is amazing how fast things can get done when everyone is doing something. I made my pies (cheesecake pie) which was a big hit (:
The weather was PERFECT!!! So we decided to eat outside and take in the gorgeous day. These are my favorite days, when we all just sit around and talk and tease each other. It amazes me how many people have came into our lives and how much I love them and care for them. Molly has been such a blessing and I am so glad to have her friendship
Molly's hubby,Thomas and Amanda's dad went to the movies to see Iron Man 2 and us ladies sat around and chit chat ( which is always fun)!!!!
I am home now and the baby is in bed and I took a hot bubble bath which is the best way to end the day! Now me and the hubby are going to catch up on some Glee we have missed!
A great way to end a perfect Saturday!!!

sorry..

so sorry I have not been around, something was up with the computer but my amazing hubby fixed it for me because last night I was pretty closed to having a melt down! It is all good now!! well I know it is short but we have so much to do today so when I have a more time i will update on everything go on in my beautiful crazy life!!!

nothing big...

Past couple of days have been pretty good, got to spend a few days with the bestie and of course that is always good!! Then me and my hubby went out to dinner and a movie for our anniversary, We went and saw Date Night and let me tell you it was so funny, I really want to go see it again!



Then today we went to BFE to get a stove from my hubby's aunt place, and let me tell you that is a big deal so now we can send back our stove that we have been using to rent a center and that will save us money, and then all we need to get is a washer and dry and we would save even more money!!
Hubby and I had a talk about our future and what we are going to do and I have a feeling a lot of changing is coming our way and I am not sure how I feel about it, I know in the long run it will be the best for us, so we can have a bright and full future! I am ready to buy a house, well my dream is to build but it will all happen in Gods timing not mine!

My Dream House...


I just have to get threw these next 5 days and then my hubby is going on his 3 week vacation which I am so happy about!!! Going to do a lot to the house well to the yard and the maybe paint Elijah room, just will have to see how money is!
Well that is it, I hope you all had a wonderful weekend!!

6 years...

I have been married for 6 years today!!! I love my husband more and more each day! He is my hero, protector, my best friend, my partner and my true love and I wouldn't change my life with him for anything! He knows how to make me laugh and he always has been able to.



We met at church and I asked if he wanted the rest of my pizza and he looked at me like i was crazy! Two years later we were a couple and then we got married when I was 19 and he was 20. We have had our ups and downs but the ups always seem to out number the downs. He has always been there to catch me when I was going to fall. He has always believed in me when I didnt, he pushes me to keep going when I am ready to give up! He is my walking partner threw this crazy life!




I cant wait to see what the rest of our lives together have in hold for us! We have so many dreams and I cant wait to see them come true!




Thomas~ Thank you for all you do for me and Elijah, You are an amazing man and I thank God everyday for you!!!
I love you!!!

update...

I weighed this morning and it looks like I gained a pound. I knew I wasn't going to lose since I really didn't do any extra activities this week since it rained most of the days. But today the sun is shinning and my parents are taking the baby so me and the wonderful hubby are going to do some work in the yard! I went to the store yesterday and got some more salad stuff and a couple of smart ones, I just didn't really pick the right foods to eat so I was eating more because I was hungry all the time! I really would like to lose at least 2 pounds this week, more would be AWESOME!!! but I know I did to be realistic about this. I started the walking challenge yesterday, The first week I am suppose to walk for 10 minutes but I can walk more then that so I walked over to my moms which is about a 20 minute walk. I really enjoy walking, I love being able to just breath in fresh air and take in the everything around me.
Well today is a new start and I am going to do my best this week! I hope everyone has a great day!!!!

15 years ago...

I remember 15 years ago I was laying in bed sick with a bad cold, I remember my dad coming in and giving me fresh clean sheets and blankets that smelt like April fresh. I remember the hush whispers in the living room that I could not make out. I remember falling asleep wandering what my dad was doing home from work. I remember waking up to my dad and his friend Pritchet talking in the living room and I got out of bed to see if his daughter was with him but everyone sent me back to bed. I remember my brother and cousin coming home from school, and hearing the news in my moms room talking about some bomb but I still had no idea what was going on, so I went into my moms room to see what it was and then I saw a building that was falling apart and all the people crying and screaming, still not sure what was happening I asked my mom and she told that a man blew up the building where my father worked.




My father was suppose to be there that day but for some reason he stayed home, and I thank God for that because the man that was sitting in my father seat died that day along with many others...
For the rest of my life I will always remember where I was on April 19,1995...

Update...

So I have been doing a work out call cross fit or I have been trying to do the work out, but some of the things are just really hard, for example a box jump!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! I can barely do a jumping jack! I feel like such a loser. When I do the other work out I cant move for days. I am thinking this work out is not for me but i feel like quieter and like I am just giving up because it is too hard. I don't know what to do, everyone says to work threw the pain yeah and i get that and understand but does that mean I can't walk or bend over with out wanting to cry! Cross fit is for people who are in some what of shape and yeah that is not me!
WW is doing a 5k walking challenge and I think I am going to do that for now and maybe when I lose more, move up to the running challenge. I think I am going to still do some of the Cross fit work ( the simple one's) and maybe when I lose more weight i will try the harder ones. I am just not ready to do something like that right now. I don't want to kill myself trying to get healthier!
I am hoping my hubby will help me in the walking and running challenges, he is a runner and I know that he could help me that is if he is patient with me (:
So that is all for now! Have a great weekend everyone!!

Alabama Judge....

Alabama
Judge

Some of you may be wondering what Judge Roy Moore has been doing since he was
removed from the bench for refusing to remove the Ten Commandments from his
courtroom wall. Please read the poem he wrote. It's below his picture.

The following is a poem written by Judge Roy Moore from Alabama . Judge Moore
was sued by the ACLU for displaying the Ten Commandments in his courtroom
foyer. He has been stripped of his judgeship and now they are trying to strip
his right to practice law in Alabama ! The judge's poem sums it up quite well.

America? the beautiful,
or so you used to be.
Land of the Pilgrims' pride;
I'm glad they'll never see.

Babies piled in dumpsters,
Abortion on demand,
Oh, sweet land of liberty;
your house is on the sand.

Our children wander aimlessly
poisoned by cocaine
choosing to indulge their lusts,
when God has said abstain

From sea to shining sea,
our Nation turns away
From the teaching of God's love
and a need to always pray

We've kept God in our
temples, how callous we have grown.
When earth is but His footstool,
and Heaven is His throne.

We've voted in a government
that's rotting at the core,
Appointing Godless Judges;
who throw reason out the door,


Too soft to place a killer
in a well deserved tomb,
But brave enough to kill a baby
before he leaves the womb.

You think that God's not
angry, that our land's a moral slum?
How much longer will He wait
before His judgment comes?

How are we to face our God,
from Whom we cannot hide?
What then is left for us to do,
but stem this evil tide?

If we who are His children,
will humbly turn and pray;
Seek His holy face
and mend our evil way:

Then God will hear from Heaven;
and forgive us of our sins,
He'll heal our sickly land
and those who live within.

But, America the Beautiful,
If you don't - then you will see,
A sad but Holy God
withdraw His hand from Thee..

~~Judge Roy Moore~~

This says it all. May we all forward this message and offer our prayers for
Judge Moore to be blessed and for America to wake up and realize what we need
to do to keep OUR? America the Beautiful.

Pass this on and let's lift Judge Moore up in Prayer. He has stood firm and
needs our support.

IN GOD WE TRUST

my girls...

Oh today is going to be GREAT!!! The girls are coming over for some much need girl time. We are going to order pizza and go to Orange tree (yummy)!!!!! Then going to watch the Blind Side which is one of the best movies!
I love having the girl come over, we just sit around talk, laugh and there have been time where we all just having a really crappy time and we just vent and cry to each other! I wouldn't know what to do with out these women in my life! We have been threw so much together and I would do it all over again as longs I knew they were going to be by my side! The crazy thing is we are sooo different from each other but we have always fit into each other lives like we are meant to be there. I love being able to be my self around them and not have to worry about impressing them.
Our anniversary is coming up,Six years ago they took me in and became my family and beyond blessed that they did. They didnt care that about my past or what stupid thing came out of my mouth, they have helped me grow into the women and mother I am today! What more can you ask for in a friendship???

Nothing big...

Feeling a little bit down today, not real sure why just feeling blah... Today is cleaning day for me since hubby goes to work at three for his OT job and I don't have to worry about waking him up. Did a tough work out last night and well now I cant move my legs!!! So cleaning should be fun!!!
And also my big boy slept in his own room last night again!! I hope that this keeps up because I am ready to have my room back!
Well I hope all you have a wonderful day!

update...

So today has started out pretty good!! My hubby let me get some sleep this morning and the baby slept in his own room last night for the first time and he did great! Only woke up once which is awesome because he usually wakes up every hr when I have tried to do this before!
So I have lost 5 pounds!!! I love seeing my weight go down it is just great! The weight watchers site said I was losing weight to fast psh whatever! I have only 10 more pounds to lose and I will be were I was when I got pregnant with Elijah! Today's work out is crazy!!! So I think I am going to Mondays work out instead. Going to take it easy today though because I started back on my Metformin and it just make me sick to my stomach, so we will see how my day goes with that, but I really need to do a work out today. I haven't done a work out in two days. On Saturday I did work in the yard for 3 1/2 hours so Sunday I didn't do anything and then yesterday I work in the yard for a bit and just did stuff around the house. So today I am going to work out with the hubby when he gets up!
Well I hope everyone has a great day!!!

Holidays....

I have been thinking about the holidays and what they mean. With Easter just here I have been thinking about it a lot. What does Easter mean to me? I know that Jesus died for me and was resurrected, and that is why we celebrate Easter but I also see Easter as a fresh start for everyone. I know people think that January is for that because of the new year but look outside in January! It is cold and still nasty and everything is dead, but when Easter comes around the flowers are in bloom, the grass is beginnig to turn lush and green, the birds are chirping. You step outside and smell the fresh air and your soul is awakened and you feel alive! It is a fresh start for the world. Like when Jesus died for us for a fresh start. Am I less of a Christan because this is how I think or that I love Easter egg hunts with my niece and nephews or that I love doing the whole Easter basket for my son? I am filled with such joy and love around Easter because I am around all of the people I love and care about. Because I know who my savior is! Isn't that what God wanted for us? To be filled with joy and to be around the people he has blessed us with?
So why do people make such a big deal out of Easter baskets? Is it hurting anything by enjoying a little surprise and fun? As long as you know why we have Easter then why can't we enjoy everything else around us. I mean if we can't enjoy Easter baskets then we shouldn't have Christmas gifts either then, because Christmas is not about the gifts but about the birth of our savior. But we don't because we know that we can still enjoy our traditions with our families and still celebrate the birth of our savior.
It is all about how we teach our children what truly matters when it comes to holidays. Let's take Halloween for example. I see nothing wrong at all with dressing up and getting candy. We'r not celebrating the devil or practicing witch craft or any of that nonsense. We're letting our kids get dressed up and run around and get CANDY! It all comes back to what you teach your kids. If you don't bring up the fact that Halloween used to be about keeping yourself safe from evil spirits, then they will never know! It is about celebrating the change of season and the Fall and it is just for fun.
Isn't it more important to know why we celebrate? And who better to celebrate the things Jesus did for us then with the people Jesus brought into our lives??

Big and Beautiful....

I am a big and beautiful women! I know that I write alto about losing weight and all that fun stuff and that is because I am not happy being this heavy but the truth is I love the fact that I have curves and some meat on my bones. I have no problem being plus size at all. Yesterday I was looking on a PLUS SIZE clothing web sit for a new swim suit and well all the models are stick THIN!! Hello it is for plus size women!!! Not everyone wants to be skin and bones! I want to see true plus size women in these clothes!
I use to look at women who were thin and I wanted that so badly, when I was younger I always imagined that I wasn't really fat I just wore a fat suit and that I could take it off any time I wanted to. Then I came to realize that all the skinny girls were just bitches and they were always worrying about there weight.
Look at our history and the art, men were drawing women with big butts and wide hips and women we soft around the tummy. I believe that those women are gorgeous and that is how I imagined my self now. I will never have rock hard abs or something that wont jiggle but I have curves that are sexy. So I am proud to be a big beautiful women!!!!
P.S
MY HUSBAND LOVES ALL OF MY CURVES!!!

Love/Hate...

So I follow a blog that is doing 10 things you love and hate about your spouse so I thought I would list mine.

LOVE

1. He loves God, The reason why i feel in love with him.

2. He makes me laugh! it can be the dumbest thing but he can always crack me up.

3. He is hard working.

4. He is the best daddy to our son. They can play for ever.

5. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy even when I know I look like hell.

6. He lets me pick where to eat when we go out.

7. He makes me feel smart, even when I say something of the wall

8. He helps cook dinner, even if it just making the salad.

9. He holds me just right when we get to sleep together at night.

10.He plays Scrabble with me and he hates that game.


HATE

1. He never take the trash out when I ask him , I have to remind him a million times

2. He is loud when he comes in from work, I always hear him taking his uniform off, drives me crazy!

3. He never buys him self clothes.

4. He works to much!

5. He never tells me what he really wants.

6. He makes the car a mess.

7. He leaves the newspaper on the floor and then my son decides to take it all over the house!

8. He is better at losing weight then I am.

9.He is a push over when it comes to our son

10. He beats me at Scrabble!

update...

So I lost 4 pounds this week!!! Which is freaking awesome!! I have been doing the warm up and then trying to do things around the house that I can count as a "work out" and then me and then hubby do the warm up together again. Yesterday I work in the yard all day and now I can barley move my legs but hey it is all good!!! I have to lose 5 pounds to reach my personal goal and when I hit that mark I a going to reset my goal, I think I am being smarter about this time around instead of thinking I can lose 10 pounds a week which I know is not going to happen I know I can lose at least 3-5 pounds a week and it will all add up in the end!
Also need to say Great Job to the BESTIE!! She lost 5 pounds this week!! GREAT JOB LOVE!!!! so PROUD of you before we know it we will reach our GOALS TOGETHER!!!!
Well today I am taking it easy till my hubby gets up and then going to work out with him and maybe a nice walk if is doesn't rain!!!

Just melted my heart....

I got this off a blog I follow and I just loved how he tells us about his wife...




According to Our Fearless Leader, our topic today is:

Ten things my spouse does that I LOVE and 10 things about my spouse I HATE.

Let's see . . . Love/Hate. Very strong words. Love, I can handle. Hate? We'll see . . .

And this question is really looking for two very different kinds of responses. One is about doing, a very ethical sort of inquiry. The other is about essence. Actions vs. Being. Hmm . . .

Alrighty, then.

LOVE

1) She is a great kisser. From the first clumsy effort, over piping hot pizza, I was hooked.

2) She asks questions . . . When it matters, she asks for clarification.

3) . . . but not too many questions. The devil is in the details, after all.

4) She makes kickass mashed potatoes.

5) And gravy.

6) She smiles a lot. It ties the room together.

7) She scrubs my back in the shower. Despite all the hair and age spots, I might add. And she uses a scrunchie. Score!

8) She volunteers. Whether it's building sets for the school play or helping the new art teacher get acclimated to Little Johnnie's Post Nasal Drip, she's on it. And never expects a Thank You.

9) She lets me drive. Even if it's merely over the river and through the woods, I get to sit in the Captain's Chair. And she feeds me cookies and chats me up to keep me awake.

10) She plays Guitar Hero. Even the really hard Tool songs. She emerges herself in the things others enjoy, and makes them that much more fun.

HATE

1) Her heart is large. She loves everyone. Even the people I tend to loathe with more than a small amount of passion. I wish she'd hate people more.

2) Her hands are tender. They touch things with a tenderness and compassion I often lack. I wish she'd smack me around more. (No, not like that!)

3) Her eyes are focused. She sees all and never looks away. I wish she'd blink every once in a while so I could get away with more stuff.

4) Her mind is young. Not in a childish way, but in an innocent way. I wish she'd share my frequent cynicism.

5) Her brain is sharp. She gets A's on Big Brain Academy. Me? I keep searching in vain for the pass/fail option.

6) Her feet are quick. She runs ahead, looking for adventure. I wish she'd stop for a minute and let me catch up.

7) Her lips are sealed. She refuses to gossip or belittle anyone. I wish she'd let fly more.

8) Her legs are strong. Harper legs, we call them. Hers carry the weight of it all and never grow weary. I wish she'd stumble occasionally.

9) Her ears are tuned. She hears the good and filters the bad. I wish she'd listen to me when I whine.

10) Her body is a temple. She looks great all the freaking time. I wish she'd get older already.

In sum: My mama didn't raise no fool. I do indeed know how to pick 'em, no?

The ABC of me!

A - Available or Taken: Taken
B - Best Friend: Amanda
C - Cake or Pie: Pie – Cake
D - Drink of Choice: Coke but I am trying to drink diet.
E - Essential Item You Use Everyday: Computer
F - Favorite Color: Yellow and Purple
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Bears
H - Hour you normally wake up: 8 am
I - Indulgence: not real sure
J - January or February: Jan
K - Kids: 1
L - Life Incomplete Without: Friends
M - Marriage Date: April 21
N - Number of Siblings: 2
O - Oranges or Apples: Oranges
P - Phobias or Fears: Losing my family
Q - Favorite Quote: You are the twilight of my life... the new moon on my horizon... the eclipse of my being...and the breaking dawn to every morning...

R - Reason to Smile: my hubby and son!
S - Season: Autumn
T - Turkey or Beef: Turkey
U - Unknown Fact About Me: not real sure
V - Veggie You lima beans
W - Worst Habit: over thinking
X - X-rays: like 10
Y - Your Favorite Food: pasta
Z - Zodiac: Virgo

Happy Easter

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter and I pray that everyone is having a wonderful day with your familys!

Thinking of her...

Easter is this Sunday and around this time of year I always think of my best friends mother. She was an incredible women and she took me in and made me part of her family. I heard this song last night and when I hear it, it take me back when we were in the church choir and we sang this song... I miss her so much, this song my bring tears to my eyes when I hear it but it brings back wonderful memories and peace to my soul....

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Psalm 9...

9:1 I will praise thee, O LORD, with my whole heart; I will shew forth all thy marvellous works.

9:2 I will be glad and rejoice in thee: I will sing praise to thy name, O thou most High.

9:3 When mine enemies are turned back, they shall fall and perish at thy presence.

9:4 For thou hast maintained my right and my cause; thou satest in the throne judging right.

9:5 Thou hast rebuked the heathen, thou hast destroyed the wicked, thou hast put out their name for ever and ever.

9:6 O thou enemy, destructions are come to a perpetual end: and thou hast destroyed cities; their memorial is perished with them.

9:7 But the LORD shall endure for ever: he hath prepared his throne for judgment.

9:8 And he shall judge the world in righteousness, he shall minister judgment to the people in uprightness.

9:9 The LORD also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

9:10 And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.

9:11 Sing praises to the LORD, which dwelleth in Zion: declare among the people his doings.

9:12 When he maketh inquisition for blood, he remembereth them: he forgetteth not the cry of the humble.

9:13 Have mercy upon me, O LORD; consider my trouble which I suffer of them that hate me, thou that liftest me up from the gates of death:

9:14 That I may shew forth all thy praise in the gates of the daughter of Zion: I will rejoice in thy salvation.

9:15 The heathen are sunk down in the pit that they made: in the net which they hid is their own foot taken.

9:16 The LORD is known by the judgment which he executeth: the wicked is snared in the work of his own hands. Higgaion. Selah.

9:17 The wicked shall be turned into hell, and all the nations that forget God.

9:18 For the needy shall not alway be forgotten: the expectation of the poor shall not perish for ever.

9:19 Arise, O LORD; let not man prevail: let the heathen be judged in thy sight.

9:20 Put them in fear, O LORD: that the nations may know themselves to be but men. Selah.

Hurting....

So I have worked out for the past two days! Yay Go me!!! My bestie and I are doing CROSS FIT again, one of our really good friend does it and let me just say this women is freaking amazing! I want to be more like her and be able to work out with her with out wanting to lay down and die!
Anyways me and the bestie are just doing the WARM UP!!! You know the thing you do before you do the work out. I am hurting from just the warm up!!! OH MY GOSH I cant walk with out wincing from pain or laugh without my side killing me! I know this is a good pain and I am going to really stick with this. I even ask my wonderful hubby to start doing it with me and he said he would!!! So I will update later on how I am doing!!
WISH ME LUCK!!!

Enemy....

So I have a enemy like everyone does but mine is taking over my life and I don't know how to get it to go away. It is something we need to survive but I have allowed it to come something more then that. My enemy is a lot of peoples enemy, it is just that dangerous. FOOD!!! I have been dealing with this my whole life. I have tried dieting and even thought about surgery but I know that is not the answer. I don't know how I have let it get this bad! When I was in High School people use to say horrible things about me and my weight and I believed them. I look back at old pictures and I don't understand why they were so cruel to me with the name calling and the puts down I wasn't thin by any means but I wasn't a house either! But now I look at my self and I cant stand what I see. I know I will never be a model skinny and I don't want to but I would love to go out for the day and not worry about my hips bothering my that night or wear a skirt or shorts and not get the " Chub Rub" and if your a big girl you know what that is! My life is all about what to eat. I spent $12 on 5 cupcakes and they weren't evening that good! oh and last week I had on of those Caramel Frappa things from McDonald's everyday!!! I just hate how food takes over my mind! It is like I have this voice in my head that keeps talking about food and it wont shut up until I eat whatever it is talking about and I hate not having control over this, it taunts me all the time! I was doing really good on Weight Watchers and I really like doing WW because I can still eat good things but it is all in portions. I jumped off the wagon for some reason! This is something that I hate about my self, I give up on my self so easy, I just give up!
I want to lose this weight, I also know that this is not going to be easy! So I am going to climb back on the wagon and strap my self down. I know that I am going to have bad days but I am done giving up on my self! I am going to be honest with my self for now on and I am going to stop with these stupid reasons of why i cant do this! The truth is I never finish what I start! I wanted change for my self this year and damn it I am going to do it for once in my life!!!
I am going to need support and help through this and I am so blessed with an amazing husband who has always loved me for me and with some awesome family and friends who I know will help me and cheer me on!
I am ready to win this fight!!!!

Dads....

My husbands father passed away and yesterday was the funeral and the sad thing about it all, is he didn't know his father, he met him once back when we first got married and that was almost 6 years ago. It broke my heart because he had to other children and they were heartbroken over this man that didn't want anything to do with my husband or my brother in law. I want to know why he didn't want to know his other children? My husband and my brother in law have made a life for themselves and I cant say them same for the other two. Their half brother is in prison and the half sister is young but you can tell if she doesn't get help she will be going down the wrong road.
Now I too do not know my birth father and I am OK with this because my dad is a wonderful man, he has been my dad since I was 5 years old and he loved me just the same as my brother and sister. He was hard on me and when I was younger I thought he was just mean and was to over protected and of course he didn't know what he was talking about, but now as an adult I know why he was the way he was. I love my dad so much and I am so blessed that he didn't treat me differ net and the he took me as his own.
My best friends dad is also a wonderful man and we wouldn't know what to do without him in our lives. He took us in as his own and he has shown us and taught us so many things. He has been there for us when we were low and he has such a giving heart. He is understanding and he is someone you can always go to. My best friend is such a lucky girl to have an amazing father.
My sweet little boy is blessed to have my husband as his father. I couldn't have asked for a better father for my son or a better husband. He may have not known his father but he was blessed with two men who are fathers to him. When my husband holds his son you can just see the love that he has for him. I know with out a doubt in my heart that my husband would do anything in his power for our son and our future children. For that I am blessed beyond measure...

Return the favor...

So today was an eye opener for me. I was over loaded with information that just tugged at my heart, for some people that I really never wanted anything to do with but it is time for me to stop being so selfish and to help people out. I have been helped out by family so many time and I wouldn't know what to do with out them so it is time to RETURN THE FAVOR. I am not real sure on the details or how we can do this but I know with God I can do anything.
After everything I learned today has made me even more thankful for my family and I am not just meaning my hubby and son, I mean my best friend and her dad and my parents and everyone that has helped me in a tough spot. I am more then blessed! God has really opened my heart today and I pray that I can do whatever I can to help these people....

East to West....

"East To West"

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other..

Back On....

So I am back on the roller coaster today, I have been doing pretty good the past couple of weeks. I hate when I get like this because I feel like I am driving people crazy. I feel like everyone hates me and all I want to do is cry. I am thinking it could be because I took a big step today and confronted something that has been really bothering me and I am just scared of the outcome. I am not really good at standing up for my self, I can defend someone else until I am blue in the face but when it comes to me I just bitch about it and never really do anything about it and well today I finely decided to do something. I hate feeling like all I do is wrong or that I am not good enough. Part of me regrets confronting the issue because I don't want to start drama or feel worse then I already do, but then the other part of me is like it had to be done because Im sick of fighting with people in my head ( yes I fight with people in my head) I know that is not very healthy but It makes me feel better because I am able to get out what I am really feeling and the people say what I want them to say, I know it is crazy!!
I just hope everything works out and that I didn't start drama...

Something as simple as a water balloon...

So with spring break here I have been thinking about when I was younger and how I loved it, it was the first week since school started that we were able to stay out late and hang out. See I lived on a street full of kids and in the summer we would stay out till 1:00 am and it was the best! So when spring break came the weather was nice enough for us to go out and be together with out the parents listening to our every word. I had 3 best friends growing up and we were always together doing stupid things, trying to be cool yeah we weren't! We would listen to music and tan out in the front yard and drink soda in nifty little cups and just talk about the future. It was always the best and I hated when I would have to go home ( we lived across the street from each other) by the time I would go home I would be so sunburned that I couldn't even wear a bra and the bottom of my feet would be black from wearing no shoes all day. Now our children cant go to the store with out wanting to take a DS or watch a movie in the car,or want something from the store that they dont really need,they cant play outside till late into the night because we are worried something will happen to them. It just sad to me that they will not really have those lazy days just playing outside catching firefly's or star gazing till they get sleepy, Because not only have our children need things, so do we as parents we would rather have them go watch TV or go play on the computer so we don't have to go sit outside and watch them because we need to do something that seems important to us, which is just to go watch a show or play a game on the computer. I bet if we would get our of this frame of mind we are all in then we would enjoy simple things again like we did when we were kids.
When of my favorite memories is from a couple of years ago, I was pregnant with Elijah and we had a get together with a bunch of friends and well we got some water balloons for the kids but it end up the adult against each other and then some how we got water guns and by the end of the water fight we had buckets of water, it was the best!!!
That day was full of laughter and enjoyment and one of the best days of my life since I was a child and it all started from a simple water balloon...