Patience..

I can feel God's works!!I have so much faith and hope in me right now I just don't know what to do with my self.
I have always tried to be a faithful follower of Christ and like everyone, I have slipped up and just went to my deep " no one cares mode" but I have been working so hard at trying to be more positive and faithful. I have been reminding my self that even though we have been struggling for the last three years it has only been three minutes for God.
I am seeing so much change going on and I love it!
I see my husband happier, with God on my husband side he has lost weight and is leading him in the right direction that is best for him and our family. My husband is an amazing man and I couldn't ask for a better partner in life and father to our son. He works hard for us and still has time to cuddle with us on the couch. I see God shine through him even when he doesn't see it. My family is on our knees praying for what God has in store of us in the next few months, we are waiting with an open heart. I cant really say anything yet until we know more so please pray for our family!
I see joy in my best friend heart and it been such a long time for her. She deserve all the joy that God can give her and I am so happy she has found a love and I cant wait for the day she can yell from the roof top!
God is truly at work and my heart is filled with so much happiness.
I had been so angry for so long because we have struggled and I was jealous of people because I didn't have the newest whatever and the greed and envy I had was eating away at me and I HATED the person I was becoming and the thoughts I was having. Then one day I was reading my bible,
Psalm 37:7
Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

I then remember when I was 16 years old I gave my life to Christ and that my life was no longer mine and that he was in control and that I need to be patient. God has always taken care of my family and I.
I sat there thinking of all the things that could have happened but didn't because God has blessed people to love us,a roof over our head, food and jobs . If you think about it that is what is important. Not how much money you have or the car you drive, its about being held by your husband or getting kissed by your son and hearing him say " Mommy I love you"! If I didn't have God in my life I wouldn't have any of those wonderful small moments. How can you not believe in God when you have blessing like that in you life? If I wasn't saved and didn't have God in my life I truly believe that my life would be meaningless and lonely. But when I look in my sons eyes I see Gods work at hand.
Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments and I get anxious and stressed out, I just go back to that verse and take a deep breath and remind my self that God is in control and that his plan is so much bigger then what I could come up with and I love what I see so far...

Three letter words...

" I Love You" Those three words can cause your heart skip, butterflies in your stomach, takes your breath away and go weak in the knees all in one quick swoop and it is the best feeling in the world. You smile for days and you always remember the first time you hear it from that special someone. We wait for the right moment to say it and we wander when we are going to hear it.
So then why after you say it we stop say it? Why after many years together we forget to say it to our loved one? Does the meaning mean less since you have been together for more then 6 months?
I am asking because I have been noticing more and more that couples really dont say it to each other anymore. Yes I know that they may know that they are loved or whatever but everyone still wants to hear it. I always tell my husband I love him no matter what because I dont know if that may be the last time I get to tell him. I still get fluster and butterflies when he tells me and we have been together for almost 9 years.
I wander if couples would be happier if they would say it more to each other and remember how they felt when they heard if for the first...
Just something to think about....

Catching up...

I have been reading though some of my blogs and wow I am a downer! Sorry about that to my fellows bloggers. I get so wrapped up in my thoughts and emotions that I sometimes forget to step back and see what an amazing life that I have been blessed with. So far 2011 is pretty good. Yes I am still struggling with being infertile and the heartache but God's plan is so much bigger and better for me. Other parts of my life are great. I love my job and I think I have found God's path for me. I have decided to go to school for early education and work towards being a Pr-K teacher. If God's plan is for me not to have more children at least I can be surrounded by them everyday.
I am also really learning more about my self in the past few months, I am actually a confident person and I really have my amazing husband to thank for that. He has never given up on me and has always shown me how beautiful I am. I have always been afraid to truly give in to my husband because I am scared that my life is perfect and that when I do give in I will lose him, but as I having been telling my bestie we cant live that way, that is not how we need to live always in fear for the other shoe to drop. So I decided that I am giving in to his love that he has for me and I am going to see my self through his eyes. He makes me feel amazing about my self and I love how I feel when I am around him I want to show him everyday of our lives together how much I love him. God made this man just for me and he is everything I need and want! I love being in love with him.
I am still working on losing weight and well we all know that is nothing new! I have been going to the gym and the other day I ran for the first time in oh EVER!!! But I felt great afterwards granted I ran for like a minute and then walked for five and then run again but hey we have to start somewhere!
Elijah is doing so great in school, he is talking up a storm and he is so smart and I just love hearing about his day and what new things he has learned. He getting so big and really coming in to his own. He will be four this summer and it is killing me!! I am worried whenever we have another one he won't know what to do because it has been just the three of us for so long. I know he will be a great big brother but it will defiantly take some time!!!




Gods has some amazing things planned for my family and I this year and I am ready to take the path he has for us. God is truly amazing and it just takes my breath away every time I see his works...

Tired...

I need a sign... I need a flash light to get out of this dark whole I am in. I have been so depressed and down and lost for a while now. I have no one to talk to because I am tired of feeling like this so I have been just dealing with it. I have nothing to look forward to, I get up, go to work, go to the gym ( sometimes) eat dinner, watch TV and go to bed and start the day over. We are working for nothing it seems. Just to pay bills and to pay people back and that is it. Nothing for us, just for everyone else. I know I know that is life but it would be nice to look forward to something. Hell we wont be able to do Christmas this year. I am so heartbroken about that too. I just want to know what are we doing wrong? I am praying wrong and asking for the wrong thing. I feel my faith slipping and I am trying to hold on to it. I have been praying on my knees and crying out to the Lord but I sometimes I feel like I am just talking to no one. I hate feeling like this because I know that I am wrong for feeling like this but I am tired. I am tired of feeling empty, I am tired of seeing things happening for other people and I feel like we are standing out in the street in the rain. When is it our turn? We have been going like this for years and I am not sure anymore what God is trying to show us, guess I am not looking or listening hard enough. It hard to get happy about one thing because in the back of my head I know that something will happen to ruin whatever I am happy about. Things have never came easy for me and you know it would be nice just for once it would be nice for things to happen for us with out a struggle.
I need a change, I need a new out look on life I just don't know how. I feel so alone and helpless... I miss my friends and how things were once upon a time but I guess that is life also things change and there is nothing you can do about. I miss my hubby with me working we barely get to see each other now it more a passing by. I miss my son by the time dinner and bath is done it is bed time. I miss me, I know that these feeling will pass and I will look back and see how stupid I am being but I feel like I am losing my self and I just don't know what to do about it anymore...

I guess I just need to stop whining and count my blessing and stop worrying about things that really don't matter...

Heartbroken...

Well I am just heartbroken and I cant seem to get over it and move on. I wrote earlier I about not being pregnant, well I went to the Dr. to double check and I was praying that the test was wrong but it wasn't. I just sat there holding back my tears as the Dr. is telling me that it is all the change that I am going threw. New med and eating better and working out, so it is throwing my body out of whack or whatever. So here I am sitting at my moms house holding back more tears because the Dr. was right about starting this weekend, I have cramps from hell and I already start spotting. I was stupid to be holding out like this. She said to just write down when I start and end and count days and blah blah blah and that in a few months we will see what we can do about getting me regular or something like that, I tuned her out after a bit. January will be a year since we started trying.
Thomas is being super sweet trying to say that it may not be my fault that it could be him but I know it is me, I am the fat girl, I am the one who isn't regular, I am the one with cyst. I look at people who don't even want children and they are having them left and right and it just makes me so mad!!!
I know I am being a baby and that I shouldn't be upset because I have a amazing son, it just really sucks to realize that my dream of having a full house of children may not come true and that is just really hard to swallow.

Emotions....

Well the past week has been a roller coaster for me to say the least! I have dealt with every emotion this week and I am exhausted.
Lets see where to begin. Oh our bank is a pain in the ass and charging us fees that we shouldn't be charged and they wont do anything about it, so we need to find a new bank so my week started out with a bang! Angry and Annoyed not the two best emotions together! Then my boss got on to me for talking to much blah blah blah, I am 26 years old and I do my job good and so what if I am talking!! My class room is clean and my kids are not killing each other so I think I doing pretty damn good! So I was embarrassed because I felt like a 5 years being scowled by my mother for talking in church. Oh and this is the same day all the bank crap happened!So in one day it was anger, annoyed and embarrassed in less then 2 hours. So after my boss got on to me I went up stairs to eat my lunch ( which by the way was horrible) I prayed for the day to get better and it did after I saw Molly and Kristy. We vented to each other and decided to go to the gym right after work and just try and have a good rest of the day.
Well that could have happened except for the fact that when I was feeding my kiddos snack I noticed a guy walked in, and of course that is nothing new, I work at a daycare so I just figured it was one of the dads. It was a dad but not the dad I wanted to see. It was my ex boyfriend!!!! I thought I was going to cry,throw up and die right there in the middle of snack time! I was in shock, he was staring at me and I couldn't breath, I just stood there staring back. This guy broke my heart 10 years ago and there he was just standing there starting at me. Finely he left and I caught my breath and realized that I was still at work, so I went to the bathroom and calmed down and went on with my day. Went to the gym with the girls and had a good time!
While this whole day is going on I am also dealing with the emotions of happiness because I thought I was pregnant but sadly when I got home I took the test and it was negative. I really thought I was because I had a few signs but I guess that is just my mind and body playing tricks on me. I usually don't cry when it comes out negative ( which is all the time) but this time I did because I really thought I was. Thomas was so sweet to me he just held me and let me cry. I was so heartbroken, I want anther baby so bad and it just not happening for us and I don't understand why...
Well the rest of the week went OK until Thursday I get a text from my sister in law wanting to meet for dinner, and for those who don't know I am not speaking to her because I don't like who she has become. anyways I forward the text to bestie and she tells me that I should go but I had already told sister in law that I cant that I am going to the gym. I mean I could have but I really didn't want to see her, and of course my phone dies so I don't know what either of them are saying until i get home from the gym that night at 7:30 pm. So I call my bestie and she tells me that I should go to see the kids and that maybe this is a start of forgiveness, so I listen to her and tell her that we can meet on Friday for dinner. Well lets just say it was great seeing the kids! I just cant stand how she has changed and what she is doing to her children or how she is treating my best friend!! GRRR I don't want to get into it right now because I am still annoyed with the whole thing!
I will say that today is a better day! Went to lunch with my hubby and then went and bought my son some winter clothes and then spent the rest of the day with my bestie and the family, tomorrow we are going to church and I am super excited because I need a good sermon right now!!!

SO SO...

So still no computer, so I'm using my hubby's phone. Things have been so so, I don't have any time to do anything else , I never see Thomas, I work on his days off. I never see my bestie either. I am thankful for my job but now I have no life. I have been trying to stay up beat, I have been reading my bible every night and that really has been helping. But when I'm alone I just feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts. I don't have enough money or time and I guess it getting to me. Feel like I'm missing out from my loved ones lives since I barley get to talk or see them. I hate it!! I guess that's life...