More then a number...

For the past few years, well OK since I was 16 years old I have been trying to figure out who I am or more so who I want to be..
I feel like I am getting closer to know the answer to that but then I start to question my self or listen to other peoples comments that hurt and dwell on them for days. Then I am back to right where I started!
I thought I was gaining my confidant's back, but to be honest with you I am not sure if I was ever getting any. Since started at CNW I have been so worried about what people think about me my confidence level is below ZERO!
I was called fat at least 4 times this month at work and well it really is hard to feel good about your self when that is all you seem to hear,I am tired of my weight defining who I am, because I am more then a number on a stupid white square that can either make you have a great day or make you want to hide under big sweaters for OH EVER! It is hard to walk away with you chin held high or laugh it off when something hurts so much like that 3 letter word.
Why does it hurt to be called fat? I wish I knew the answer to that question, along with why is OK that she eats a whole tub of ice cream and no one even looks at her but I pick up a cookie and I feel like the whole room is thinking " she shouldn't be eating that"! WHY???
Why do I worry about it so much because like I said I am more then a stupid number! I am heavy yes but there is so much more to me then that!!
I have great eyes, I am an amazing wife and mother, I am a trustworthy friend, I will love you with all my heart, I love to sing and and make people laugh, I am a daughter, a sister, animal lover, I love to read and go to plays and concerts. I love warm summer nights, I love to watch movies and play games with my family and friends. I am more then a number...
In Gods eyes I am perfect but in mine I need work, why cant I see what he see in me? Why cant I see what my amazing husband see in me? I wish I could see what my friends see but when I look in the mirror I see that 3 letter word.
The reason why is because I have allowed all of the years of being made fun or all the looks I have received make an impact in the way I see my self. Instead of listening to the people who matter and who love me, I have listen to the strangers whispers and the people from my past. I am no longer going to allow my weight to define who I am. My weight does not make me who I am, it is all the wonderful things I have to offer people, That is what make me ME!!!
Does this mean I am going to start eat whatever? No I am going to keep up with working out and watching what I eat. All I need to to be is healthy and that is what matters. Not what that stupid white square says!!!!

my life

My life in pictures...

- A picture of yourself with ten facts

1. I am 5ft
2. Burnett hair
3. Hazel eyes
4. I have curves
5. Been married for almost 7 years
6. Mexican is my Favorite food
7. I work at childrens new world
8. I was saved when I was 12
9. Cant live with out butter!
10. My son is the love of my life

- A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest


MY AMAZING HUBBY!!!

A picture of the cast from your favorite show

CASTLE
- A picture of your night


HANGING WITH MY BESTIE!

- A picture of your favorite memory


FIRST NIGHT IN VEGAS!!! AMY WAS THE BEST!!

A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day


BECAUSE SHE GET TO MAKE OUT WITH JAKE GYLLENHAA!!

- A picture of your most treasured item


MY BOYS!!

A picture that makes you laugh


FIRST TIME BOWLING!

A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most


MY BESTIE!



A picture of something you hate



CLOWNS!!!

A picture of something you love


YEP!!!
A picture of your favorite band or artist



LADY A!

A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without



MY SON!

A picture of something you want to do before you die



SWIM WITH ONE OF THESE GUYS!

A picture of someone who inspires you

MY MOTHER I DONT HAVE A PICTURE OF HER...

A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently



READING GODS WORD!!

A picture of your biggest insecurity


MY WEIGHT


A picture





A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel



GREECE

A picture of something you wish you could change



A picture of something you wish you were better at



A picture of your favorite book



TWILIGHT!

A picture of your day



A picture of something that means a lot to you






A picture of something you're afraid of


SPIDERS!!

A picture that can always make you smile



July 9,2007 my little love came into my life!


A picture of someone you miss


Dan- wish we could see him more!

Well that is my life in pictures!!!

Be happy..

So this week was a very trying week for me to say the least. Not a bad week just emotional and tiring.
I found out that two wonderful ladies I work with are pregnant. When they first told me I cried but then I just started thinking about how I would feel if I told someone such amazing news like that and they cried, I would feel like they were being selfish in a way.
So I prayed and I decided that I am going to be happy for them and you know what I am. I am so excited to see them enter this amazing part life. One women this is her second child and the other it is her first. I just get giddy thinking about seeing their bellies grow and hear what they are going to name them. I know my time will come and they will be just as happy for me as I am for them.
I realized that if I choose to be happy and be positive then I really am and my life is filled with more laughter and love. I have been counting my blessing everyday and my heart and soul is filled with joy. I find my self smiling for no reason now and I love it!




So choose to smile more and be happy you will see a big change in your life...

Patience..

I can feel God's works!!I have so much faith and hope in me right now I just don't know what to do with my self.
I have always tried to be a faithful follower of Christ and like everyone, I have slipped up and just went to my deep " no one cares mode" but I have been working so hard at trying to be more positive and faithful. I have been reminding my self that even though we have been struggling for the last three years it has only been three minutes for God.
I am seeing so much change going on and I love it!
I see my husband happier, with God on my husband side he has lost weight and is leading him in the right direction that is best for him and our family. My husband is an amazing man and I couldn't ask for a better partner in life and father to our son. He works hard for us and still has time to cuddle with us on the couch. I see God shine through him even when he doesn't see it. My family is on our knees praying for what God has in store of us in the next few months, we are waiting with an open heart. I cant really say anything yet until we know more so please pray for our family!
I see joy in my best friend heart and it been such a long time for her. She deserve all the joy that God can give her and I am so happy she has found a love and I cant wait for the day she can yell from the roof top!
God is truly at work and my heart is filled with so much happiness.
I had been so angry for so long because we have struggled and I was jealous of people because I didn't have the newest whatever and the greed and envy I had was eating away at me and I HATED the person I was becoming and the thoughts I was having. Then one day I was reading my bible,
Psalm 37:7
Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

I then remember when I was 16 years old I gave my life to Christ and that my life was no longer mine and that he was in control and that I need to be patient. God has always taken care of my family and I.
I sat there thinking of all the things that could have happened but didn't because God has blessed people to love us,a roof over our head, food and jobs . If you think about it that is what is important. Not how much money you have or the car you drive, its about being held by your husband or getting kissed by your son and hearing him say " Mommy I love you"! If I didn't have God in my life I wouldn't have any of those wonderful small moments. How can you not believe in God when you have blessing like that in you life? If I wasn't saved and didn't have God in my life I truly believe that my life would be meaningless and lonely. But when I look in my sons eyes I see Gods work at hand.
Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments and I get anxious and stressed out, I just go back to that verse and take a deep breath and remind my self that God is in control and that his plan is so much bigger then what I could come up with and I love what I see so far...

Three letter words...

" I Love You" Those three words can cause your heart skip, butterflies in your stomach, takes your breath away and go weak in the knees all in one quick swoop and it is the best feeling in the world. You smile for days and you always remember the first time you hear it from that special someone. We wait for the right moment to say it and we wander when we are going to hear it.
So then why after you say it we stop say it? Why after many years together we forget to say it to our loved one? Does the meaning mean less since you have been together for more then 6 months?
I am asking because I have been noticing more and more that couples really dont say it to each other anymore. Yes I know that they may know that they are loved or whatever but everyone still wants to hear it. I always tell my husband I love him no matter what because I dont know if that may be the last time I get to tell him. I still get fluster and butterflies when he tells me and we have been together for almost 9 years.
I wander if couples would be happier if they would say it more to each other and remember how they felt when they heard if for the first...
Just something to think about....

Catching up...

I have been reading though some of my blogs and wow I am a downer! Sorry about that to my fellows bloggers. I get so wrapped up in my thoughts and emotions that I sometimes forget to step back and see what an amazing life that I have been blessed with. So far 2011 is pretty good. Yes I am still struggling with being infertile and the heartache but God's plan is so much bigger and better for me. Other parts of my life are great. I love my job and I think I have found God's path for me. I have decided to go to school for early education and work towards being a Pr-K teacher. If God's plan is for me not to have more children at least I can be surrounded by them everyday.
I am also really learning more about my self in the past few months, I am actually a confident person and I really have my amazing husband to thank for that. He has never given up on me and has always shown me how beautiful I am. I have always been afraid to truly give in to my husband because I am scared that my life is perfect and that when I do give in I will lose him, but as I having been telling my bestie we cant live that way, that is not how we need to live always in fear for the other shoe to drop. So I decided that I am giving in to his love that he has for me and I am going to see my self through his eyes. He makes me feel amazing about my self and I love how I feel when I am around him I want to show him everyday of our lives together how much I love him. God made this man just for me and he is everything I need and want! I love being in love with him.
I am still working on losing weight and well we all know that is nothing new! I have been going to the gym and the other day I ran for the first time in oh EVER!!! But I felt great afterwards granted I ran for like a minute and then walked for five and then run again but hey we have to start somewhere!
Elijah is doing so great in school, he is talking up a storm and he is so smart and I just love hearing about his day and what new things he has learned. He getting so big and really coming in to his own. He will be four this summer and it is killing me!! I am worried whenever we have another one he won't know what to do because it has been just the three of us for so long. I know he will be a great big brother but it will defiantly take some time!!!




Gods has some amazing things planned for my family and I this year and I am ready to take the path he has for us. God is truly amazing and it just takes my breath away every time I see his works...

Tired...

I need a sign... I need a flash light to get out of this dark whole I am in. I have been so depressed and down and lost for a while now. I have no one to talk to because I am tired of feeling like this so I have been just dealing with it. I have nothing to look forward to, I get up, go to work, go to the gym ( sometimes) eat dinner, watch TV and go to bed and start the day over. We are working for nothing it seems. Just to pay bills and to pay people back and that is it. Nothing for us, just for everyone else. I know I know that is life but it would be nice to look forward to something. Hell we wont be able to do Christmas this year. I am so heartbroken about that too. I just want to know what are we doing wrong? I am praying wrong and asking for the wrong thing. I feel my faith slipping and I am trying to hold on to it. I have been praying on my knees and crying out to the Lord but I sometimes I feel like I am just talking to no one. I hate feeling like this because I know that I am wrong for feeling like this but I am tired. I am tired of feeling empty, I am tired of seeing things happening for other people and I feel like we are standing out in the street in the rain. When is it our turn? We have been going like this for years and I am not sure anymore what God is trying to show us, guess I am not looking or listening hard enough. It hard to get happy about one thing because in the back of my head I know that something will happen to ruin whatever I am happy about. Things have never came easy for me and you know it would be nice just for once it would be nice for things to happen for us with out a struggle.
I need a change, I need a new out look on life I just don't know how. I feel so alone and helpless... I miss my friends and how things were once upon a time but I guess that is life also things change and there is nothing you can do about. I miss my hubby with me working we barely get to see each other now it more a passing by. I miss my son by the time dinner and bath is done it is bed time. I miss me, I know that these feeling will pass and I will look back and see how stupid I am being but I feel like I am losing my self and I just don't know what to do about it anymore...

I guess I just need to stop whining and count my blessing and stop worrying about things that really don't matter...