Heartbroken...

Well I am just heartbroken and I cant seem to get over it and move on. I wrote earlier I about not being pregnant, well I went to the Dr. to double check and I was praying that the test was wrong but it wasn't. I just sat there holding back my tears as the Dr. is telling me that it is all the change that I am going threw. New med and eating better and working out, so it is throwing my body out of whack or whatever. So here I am sitting at my moms house holding back more tears because the Dr. was right about starting this weekend, I have cramps from hell and I already start spotting. I was stupid to be holding out like this. She said to just write down when I start and end and count days and blah blah blah and that in a few months we will see what we can do about getting me regular or something like that, I tuned her out after a bit. January will be a year since we started trying.
Thomas is being super sweet trying to say that it may not be my fault that it could be him but I know it is me, I am the fat girl, I am the one who isn't regular, I am the one with cyst. I look at people who don't even want children and they are having them left and right and it just makes me so mad!!!
I know I am being a baby and that I shouldn't be upset because I have a amazing son, it just really sucks to realize that my dream of having a full house of children may not come true and that is just really hard to swallow.

Emotions....

Well the past week has been a roller coaster for me to say the least! I have dealt with every emotion this week and I am exhausted.
Lets see where to begin. Oh our bank is a pain in the ass and charging us fees that we shouldn't be charged and they wont do anything about it, so we need to find a new bank so my week started out with a bang! Angry and Annoyed not the two best emotions together! Then my boss got on to me for talking to much blah blah blah, I am 26 years old and I do my job good and so what if I am talking!! My class room is clean and my kids are not killing each other so I think I doing pretty damn good! So I was embarrassed because I felt like a 5 years being scowled by my mother for talking in church. Oh and this is the same day all the bank crap happened!So in one day it was anger, annoyed and embarrassed in less then 2 hours. So after my boss got on to me I went up stairs to eat my lunch ( which by the way was horrible) I prayed for the day to get better and it did after I saw Molly and Kristy. We vented to each other and decided to go to the gym right after work and just try and have a good rest of the day.
Well that could have happened except for the fact that when I was feeding my kiddos snack I noticed a guy walked in, and of course that is nothing new, I work at a daycare so I just figured it was one of the dads. It was a dad but not the dad I wanted to see. It was my ex boyfriend!!!! I thought I was going to cry,throw up and die right there in the middle of snack time! I was in shock, he was staring at me and I couldn't breath, I just stood there staring back. This guy broke my heart 10 years ago and there he was just standing there starting at me. Finely he left and I caught my breath and realized that I was still at work, so I went to the bathroom and calmed down and went on with my day. Went to the gym with the girls and had a good time!
While this whole day is going on I am also dealing with the emotions of happiness because I thought I was pregnant but sadly when I got home I took the test and it was negative. I really thought I was because I had a few signs but I guess that is just my mind and body playing tricks on me. I usually don't cry when it comes out negative ( which is all the time) but this time I did because I really thought I was. Thomas was so sweet to me he just held me and let me cry. I was so heartbroken, I want anther baby so bad and it just not happening for us and I don't understand why...
Well the rest of the week went OK until Thursday I get a text from my sister in law wanting to meet for dinner, and for those who don't know I am not speaking to her because I don't like who she has become. anyways I forward the text to bestie and she tells me that I should go but I had already told sister in law that I cant that I am going to the gym. I mean I could have but I really didn't want to see her, and of course my phone dies so I don't know what either of them are saying until i get home from the gym that night at 7:30 pm. So I call my bestie and she tells me that I should go to see the kids and that maybe this is a start of forgiveness, so I listen to her and tell her that we can meet on Friday for dinner. Well lets just say it was great seeing the kids! I just cant stand how she has changed and what she is doing to her children or how she is treating my best friend!! GRRR I don't want to get into it right now because I am still annoyed with the whole thing!
I will say that today is a better day! Went to lunch with my hubby and then went and bought my son some winter clothes and then spent the rest of the day with my bestie and the family, tomorrow we are going to church and I am super excited because I need a good sermon right now!!!

SO SO...

So still no computer, so I'm using my hubby's phone. Things have been so so, I don't have any time to do anything else , I never see Thomas, I work on his days off. I never see my bestie either. I am thankful for my job but now I have no life. I have been trying to stay up beat, I have been reading my bible every night and that really has been helping. But when I'm alone I just feel like I'm drowning in my thoughts. I don't have enough money or time and I guess it getting to me. Feel like I'm missing out from my loved ones lives since I barley get to talk or see them. I hate it!! I guess that's life...

Fast update...

So my computer is still down, so here is fast update

1. Vegas with my girls was beyond fun!!! Cant wait to go again!!!

2. I found a job!!! I work at Children's New world it is a daycare and the plus side Elijah is free!!!!

3. Thomas had to have surgery and he has been down but he has to go back to work on Monday, praying he finds something new soon!

4. Had a great birthday My bestie got me Tyler Perry Tickets and I am so freaking happy! and also a new kitchen table (:

5. Going to the Dr. on the 30Th and see what we can do about me having another baby. also I am considering having the lab-band done so going to talk to her about that as well.

So that is pretty much what has been going the fast version!!!

No connection...

Hey I just wanted to drop a quick note, I am wont be on for a while my computer is down and so who knows when I can get back on, I am the besties right now. So I hope everyone has a great rest of the week and I pray I get my computer fixed soon!!!!

LATE... (again)

Well I have not started yet, I am 2 weeks late I was suppose to start between the 12Th-14Th and I haven't yet. I want to go buy a test but I was 8 weeks late one time and I drove Thomas crazy with my test taking. I really hate this I just wish I was a normal girl and started at the same time of the month every month, so I don't have to sit here wondering.
I want to take a test to ease my mind but on the other hand I really don't want to see "Not Pregnant" on that stupid pink stick. What going to happen is I am going to start as soon as I get on the plan for Vegas! That would suck so bad!!!!
Think I will wait one more week and then maybe take one. Who knows maybe this pink little stick will say " Pregnant " I doubt but who knows....

Job Search...

Well Thomas OT job ended yesterday, so I have to find a job soon. I have roughly a month because then the traffic grant ends at the police department. I really hate job interviews I always seem to say to much or not the right thing. So I have been looking on line and I hope I can find something soon, and hopefully it pays more then my last job did LOL!! When I get back from Vegas I am going to go to the college and see what I need to do to get started. I am feeling a little better about my decision on going back to school. I am hoping I can figure out what will work for me. I am just praying and going to put it in Gods hands and let him lead me the way I need to go.