I wish...

Right now I am just lost beyond words. I am angry with my self and disappointed in my self. As a teen I was always in trouble for whatever reason and I wish I could go back and change a few things or more then a few things and I wish I could change things from last year. Here is my wish list... Things I wish have done...

1. Tried harder in school, a lot of my teachers didn't believe in me so i believed them and just slide by in school.

2. Listen to my parents and did what I was told instead of fighting them all my life, I would have been able to enjoy being a teenager instead of always being grounded.

3. Spoke up in class, I knew a lot what the teacher was talking about but I was too scared that I was going to sound stupid so I would always let another student answer.

4. Put my self out there. Til this day I am scared to take that jump and trust that God will lead me the right way.

5. wish I had found my love of history before now.

6. Wish I had stuck with diets and exercise when I was younger maybe if I had then the scale wouldn't cry every time i get on, Oh wait it not the scale it me!!

7. Wish I had a wedding. Now I know a wedding doesn't make the marriage and I don't regret getting married at the court house but I want to see his face when I walk towards him looking my best.

8. Read my bible more, something i can fix now.

9. wish I had decided to go to school before now. It going to be hard now with a child and a job.

10. wish I could stop making excuses for why I cant do things that will better my self for me and my family.

2 weeks and 5 days!

I am soooo excited for August to get here!!! I am going Vegas for the first time with my two besties and I just can not wait!!! We always try and plan trips together but it never fails that something always fall threw, hubby cant get off work, kids get sick, broke, broke is usually the main one. But in 2 weeks and 5 days we will be on a plan to Sin City! My husband keeps teasing me that we are not going to go to Vegas and do the things we should do instead we are going to hit the pool ( WITH OUT KIDS), Go to some muesumes and shopping. Just have some much need girl time!

Change...

Oh I hate change so much! I like good change like new hair, clothes, and weight loss yep pretty much those 3 things because I can control the outcome for the most part. I wrote earlier that I am going to go back to school to become a nurse, well I really started thinking about it and I really don't know if that is the job for me. With Thomas being a police officer and working odd hours, I don't want to be doing the same thing. We have a son and I don't want him to have two parents that work crazy hours. So I decided on being a dental assistant and then work my way up to being a dental hygienist. I am scared to DEATH!!!! I was not a good student in High School and the truth is I really don't have much faith in my self. I put on a big mask everyday to make people think I have it together but I really don't. The past 3 days I have had nothing but panic attacks, heart burn and I have been tearing up at the thought of going to school. It scares me that much. It was easier for me to become a mother then it is for me to go back to school. So much is happening right now and I just don't know if I can handle all of it, I have to get a job like tomorrow and my husband is really looking for another one and me going back to school and I keep trying to close a door on a certain part of my life but there is a door stop in the way that is glued to the floor. I know God is in control and that when he closes one door he always unlocks another one or two...

Now I just need to figure out which door is the right one to open...

so...

I think I have decided to go back to school! and I am kind of freaking out because well I have NEVER been good with school but I am ready to do something with my life, not that staying home with my son isn't important but I am thinking about our future. What if something happens to Thomas? I will need to do something to provide for my son and well I want me and Thomas and our children to have a good life, so I think I am going to go to school to become a Nurse. It is going to take a while but I think in the end it will be more then worth it. I just hope I don't talk my self out of doing this...

Selfish...

My baby boy is now 3 years old!! We had a birthday party for him last night and I would put up pictures but the bestie took the pictures with her camera so I will have to post some later. I think he had a great party, and it was my first BBQ to throw and lets just say my feet are going to hurt for a while! It is so hard throwing a party together but in the end it was all worth it.
I have been feeling down about him turning 3 because well I thought I was going to have another baby by now and I would have but God had other plans for me. Part of me is wandering, I am being selfish in wanting another baby so badly. I mean, I know women who are having a hard time just trying to conceive there first child. I mean it wasn't easy with Elijah it took 2 years. I just feel like, I can't feel bad for not being pregnant yet or I cant get upset because it is most likely going to take awhile, because I already have a child. I am being selfish? I am not at the point where I am taking pills, shots or any other medicines to help me get pregnant so do I even have the right to feel like I am part of the "it hard for me to get pregnant group"?
I have also lost a child, I have felt that emptiness and the pain when you see an ultrasound screen and there is no baby. It is earth shattering because you just go home, because there is nothing you can do, you just go home and deal with the emotional pain and the physical pain. I may have never seen or held him/her but I still lost a child and it something you just don't forget about or push to the side. I get this feeling that people don't see that as a lost and that I shouldn't be hurting from it still.
So where do I fit in at? I am selfish? Do I need to just suck it up and not feel bad that I am not pregnant yet and that I should just be happy with my son.
I don't want other women who are trying to get pregnant look at me and think what is she complaining about she already has a child.
Just trying to figure out where I fit in at...

Playing in the rain...

We have been getting a lot of rain this summer which is strange for us in Oklahoma, but we cant complain to much because I have a feeling when August hits we will be praying for rain. So I got some pictures of my son playing in the rain for the first time he loved it! At first he wasn't to sure about it but then he realized that it was fun!




He felt that he need a umbrella, so he broke out his Thomas the train one.





After that he was brave enough to go with out Thomas.



He loved just running back and forth.



And playing in the puddles.



Here is my handsome boy!!



He was soaked when he was all done playing! But he had fun and that is all that matters!!

Fireworks....

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th Of July...

Forth of July is my hubby favorite holiday. He is nothing but a big kid when it comes to this day, he plans out what he going to get and what he is going to pop off first. Well this year we had to scale back but I think he still enjoyed it. He really did alot with the kids this year and lets just say that they had a blast!

The FireWorks..




He helped them shot of Roman Candles...

I cant get the pictures of the boys up but I was ablet to get the a couple of Elijah and Amber doing them. They did have a great time shooting off the fire works.


Amber couldnt wait to do hers!



Last but not least my little man! The whole time the others were doing theres he was jumping around saying " I try I try" so daddy helped him shoot his off!




Then they got busy setting off the rest of them. He and " B" did a great job. This is the first year that B helped him and I think Thomas got a totally kick out of it.


Uncle Thomas and his big helper...



Just some more pictures and fireworks...






It was a great night!!