Hurting....

So I have worked out for the past two days! Yay Go me!!! My bestie and I are doing CROSS FIT again, one of our really good friend does it and let me just say this women is freaking amazing! I want to be more like her and be able to work out with her with out wanting to lay down and die!
Anyways me and the bestie are just doing the WARM UP!!! You know the thing you do before you do the work out. I am hurting from just the warm up!!! OH MY GOSH I cant walk with out wincing from pain or laugh without my side killing me! I know this is a good pain and I am going to really stick with this. I even ask my wonderful hubby to start doing it with me and he said he would!!! So I will update later on how I am doing!!
WISH ME LUCK!!!

Enemy....

So I have a enemy like everyone does but mine is taking over my life and I don't know how to get it to go away. It is something we need to survive but I have allowed it to come something more then that. My enemy is a lot of peoples enemy, it is just that dangerous. FOOD!!! I have been dealing with this my whole life. I have tried dieting and even thought about surgery but I know that is not the answer. I don't know how I have let it get this bad! When I was in High School people use to say horrible things about me and my weight and I believed them. I look back at old pictures and I don't understand why they were so cruel to me with the name calling and the puts down I wasn't thin by any means but I wasn't a house either! But now I look at my self and I cant stand what I see. I know I will never be a model skinny and I don't want to but I would love to go out for the day and not worry about my hips bothering my that night or wear a skirt or shorts and not get the " Chub Rub" and if your a big girl you know what that is! My life is all about what to eat. I spent $12 on 5 cupcakes and they weren't evening that good! oh and last week I had on of those Caramel Frappa things from McDonald's everyday!!! I just hate how food takes over my mind! It is like I have this voice in my head that keeps talking about food and it wont shut up until I eat whatever it is talking about and I hate not having control over this, it taunts me all the time! I was doing really good on Weight Watchers and I really like doing WW because I can still eat good things but it is all in portions. I jumped off the wagon for some reason! This is something that I hate about my self, I give up on my self so easy, I just give up!
I want to lose this weight, I also know that this is not going to be easy! So I am going to climb back on the wagon and strap my self down. I know that I am going to have bad days but I am done giving up on my self! I am going to be honest with my self for now on and I am going to stop with these stupid reasons of why i cant do this! The truth is I never finish what I start! I wanted change for my self this year and damn it I am going to do it for once in my life!!!
I am going to need support and help through this and I am so blessed with an amazing husband who has always loved me for me and with some awesome family and friends who I know will help me and cheer me on!
I am ready to win this fight!!!!

Dads....

My husbands father passed away and yesterday was the funeral and the sad thing about it all, is he didn't know his father, he met him once back when we first got married and that was almost 6 years ago. It broke my heart because he had to other children and they were heartbroken over this man that didn't want anything to do with my husband or my brother in law. I want to know why he didn't want to know his other children? My husband and my brother in law have made a life for themselves and I cant say them same for the other two. Their half brother is in prison and the half sister is young but you can tell if she doesn't get help she will be going down the wrong road.
Now I too do not know my birth father and I am OK with this because my dad is a wonderful man, he has been my dad since I was 5 years old and he loved me just the same as my brother and sister. He was hard on me and when I was younger I thought he was just mean and was to over protected and of course he didn't know what he was talking about, but now as an adult I know why he was the way he was. I love my dad so much and I am so blessed that he didn't treat me differ net and the he took me as his own.
My best friends dad is also a wonderful man and we wouldn't know what to do without him in our lives. He took us in as his own and he has shown us and taught us so many things. He has been there for us when we were low and he has such a giving heart. He is understanding and he is someone you can always go to. My best friend is such a lucky girl to have an amazing father.
My sweet little boy is blessed to have my husband as his father. I couldn't have asked for a better father for my son or a better husband. He may have not known his father but he was blessed with two men who are fathers to him. When my husband holds his son you can just see the love that he has for him. I know with out a doubt in my heart that my husband would do anything in his power for our son and our future children. For that I am blessed beyond measure...

Return the favor...

So today was an eye opener for me. I was over loaded with information that just tugged at my heart, for some people that I really never wanted anything to do with but it is time for me to stop being so selfish and to help people out. I have been helped out by family so many time and I wouldn't know what to do with out them so it is time to RETURN THE FAVOR. I am not real sure on the details or how we can do this but I know with God I can do anything.
After everything I learned today has made me even more thankful for my family and I am not just meaning my hubby and son, I mean my best friend and her dad and my parents and everyone that has helped me in a tough spot. I am more then blessed! God has really opened my heart today and I pray that I can do whatever I can to help these people....

East to West....

"East To West"

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other..

Back On....

So I am back on the roller coaster today, I have been doing pretty good the past couple of weeks. I hate when I get like this because I feel like I am driving people crazy. I feel like everyone hates me and all I want to do is cry. I am thinking it could be because I took a big step today and confronted something that has been really bothering me and I am just scared of the outcome. I am not really good at standing up for my self, I can defend someone else until I am blue in the face but when it comes to me I just bitch about it and never really do anything about it and well today I finely decided to do something. I hate feeling like all I do is wrong or that I am not good enough. Part of me regrets confronting the issue because I don't want to start drama or feel worse then I already do, but then the other part of me is like it had to be done because Im sick of fighting with people in my head ( yes I fight with people in my head) I know that is not very healthy but It makes me feel better because I am able to get out what I am really feeling and the people say what I want them to say, I know it is crazy!!
I just hope everything works out and that I didn't start drama...

Something as simple as a water balloon...

So with spring break here I have been thinking about when I was younger and how I loved it, it was the first week since school started that we were able to stay out late and hang out. See I lived on a street full of kids and in the summer we would stay out till 1:00 am and it was the best! So when spring break came the weather was nice enough for us to go out and be together with out the parents listening to our every word. I had 3 best friends growing up and we were always together doing stupid things, trying to be cool yeah we weren't! We would listen to music and tan out in the front yard and drink soda in nifty little cups and just talk about the future. It was always the best and I hated when I would have to go home ( we lived across the street from each other) by the time I would go home I would be so sunburned that I couldn't even wear a bra and the bottom of my feet would be black from wearing no shoes all day. Now our children cant go to the store with out wanting to take a DS or watch a movie in the car,or want something from the store that they dont really need,they cant play outside till late into the night because we are worried something will happen to them. It just sad to me that they will not really have those lazy days just playing outside catching firefly's or star gazing till they get sleepy, Because not only have our children need things, so do we as parents we would rather have them go watch TV or go play on the computer so we don't have to go sit outside and watch them because we need to do something that seems important to us, which is just to go watch a show or play a game on the computer. I bet if we would get our of this frame of mind we are all in then we would enjoy simple things again like we did when we were kids.
When of my favorite memories is from a couple of years ago, I was pregnant with Elijah and we had a get together with a bunch of friends and well we got some water balloons for the kids but it end up the adult against each other and then some how we got water guns and by the end of the water fight we had buckets of water, it was the best!!!
That day was full of laughter and enjoyment and one of the best days of my life since I was a child and it all started from a simple water balloon...